Category: books

anxiety, books, librarians

Shhhh!!!!

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The 90’s preteen version of the much more profane Saturday Night Live was called All That. Mary Beth Denberg was never my favorite part of that show, but as an adult and a library employee, I have come to love her. Her character consistently screamed, “QUIET!! THIS IS A LIBRARY!!” at people who were not making much noise. (This targeting of the innocent may have something to do with the general fear/distrust of librarians I wrote about in my last post.) She also ran blenders, vacuum cleaners and was a loud phone talker, the worst offender of her own rules.

We were taught in library school not to shush. One school-library instructor was particularly passionate about this: we ought to expand our definition of libraries as silent spaces, and to go out and preach the gospel of libraries as active, vibrant, sometimes loud spaces of learning and discovery.

People still get pissed when it’s too loud.

My response to volume depends entirely on my irritability level at that precise moment, and how angry the customer is who brings it to my attention. Sometimes I cringe, feeling like a restrictive perpetuator of the ‘shushing librarian’ stereotype. Sometimes, people truly are being disruptive and inconsiderate of their neighbors. That category of people responds by: either immediately acknowledging wrongdoing and apologizing or glaring at me and rolling their eyes, resuming the behavior immediately after I leave. The rude ones are my targets and I make sure to pop in multiple times. Part of being in a public library is knowing it is a communal, shared space, and no one group of people owns it–even the librarians! But, like, we are the closest to that so you should listen to us.

I feel lucky to work in a busy, popular, community-centered public library. Sometimes I even like when it is loud there. You know what ISN’T loud? An empty building. Volume means there are people utilizing the space in many various ways, and there are designated silent work spaces for those who visit the library because literally nowhere else in their lives is quiet enough for them to focus.

All that said, my other job at a university library can feel like a time warp. The third floor is dedicated to silent study, and was built at a time when this was the only way people used the library. There is no carpet, no soundproofing, and ANY sound travels in a maddening way. The kids who work up there are the self-isolating, serious students who either need to get serious studying done.. Or they’re the kids who couldn’t find seating on the second floor and will proceed to chatter and get death glares. Students will frequently make phone calls down to the staff and, whispering, ask them to make an announcement reminding their neighbors they should not be speaking.

And I have had the great fortune that my current ongoing project has been to take a label gun (like a stockperson in a grocery store uses to price items) to a selection of 45,000 books.

I want to shush myself.

Let this writing serve as my apology and penance to all the kids who are genuinely confused and almost immediately enraged at the squeaking and click! sound of the gun stamping the labels and pushing them forward, and the tap! when I touch the label to each book. I was never able to study listening to music, but the kids these days can… And I’m thankful for that, because if I heard this repetitive, annoying noise when I was studying, I would have steamed until it was done (possibly an hour at a stretch) and lost all productivity because I would have repeatedly had a conversation with myself saying, “leave, jackass! Go study somewhere else! This is so annoying and it will never stop!” and then talking myself out of it.

Miraculously, I have only had 2 students actually approach to determine what I am doing. I have apologized to several when I am nearby and see they don’t have headphones, and they wave me off, saying it’s okay. Surely they are international students, because their humility and lack of entitlement was startling in its non-American-ness. The non-confrontational tendencies of the students I’ve encountered do not stop my anxiety from causing me major distress. I keep waiting for one of them to snap, take my sticker gun and bash me over the head with it repeatedly. I find myself holding my breath, listening on high alert for the approach of hostile college students.

But, the project is almost done and I haven’t been beaten or verbally abused yet, and there is even carpet in the plans for redesign!

Now all we need is some updated furniture and we will be good to go! That should be easy, right?

anxiety, books, career

This One’s for My Girls

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I had planned to write some furious paragraphs about Drumpf’s derogatory comments about brown countries, but I waited more than 24 hours and watched tons of personal stories (Anderson Cooper’s was particularly moving, as was Don Lemon’s) and reflections and jokes about how rude, racist and smugly rich he is. I’ve worked through my rage. He is an embarrassment to our country, and I am actually grateful that he is taking the GOP down in flames with him/drawing a line in the sand for elected officials to actually choose to be decent to and on behalf of their constituents. I have to believe that decency will win, in 2018 and in the long run.

But this political outrage/irritant is only one of many sources of anxiety. The outside world is nothing compared to the echo chamber of an anxiety-riddled brain. My friends and I constantly discuss the myriad ways that we question ourselves, our decisions and our progress in the adult world.

Last night, I went to dinner with three of my dearest friends, one of whom is moving out of state this week. She’s taking a risk, acknowledging that her part-time position won’t be enough to live on & knowing she will within the next few months need to find another part-time job, possibly a full-time job, as well as an apartment that is affordable and safe and not miserable for commuting in January. This is not the worst idea ever. She and her boyfriend will be living in the same city again. This is not the riskiest idea ever. She taught English in Japan for two years, venturing there without speaking more than a few sentences of Japanese. She is highly qualified, professional, thoughtful, organized, responsible and bilingual. (Yes, I know, show-don’t-tell, but I don’t want to violate her privacy.)

And yet, she is terrified at the weight of this decision.

As are all of my friends. About who they’re dating or the lack thereof, about how often they cry or don’t, about whether to buy a house, whether they bought the wrong one, about their rent, their income, their careers, their kids or lack thereof..

And yet. As with many other instances of my sweeping generalizations, upon further reflection, I know that is not true. I have many girlfriends (and more acquaintances, so maybe this also has something to do with how much more vulnerability you share with your closest friends) who are sure of themselves. They are not calm 100% of the time, but they are stable enough not to fly off the handles upon an unplanned event, a depressing news story. They are not entirely derailed or roadblocked by doubt every time they need to make an adult decision.

This is my goal. Closer to unflappable. Bold. Confident in my purpose. Kind to myself and less critical of others.

Here are some books that have empowered me to me move towards this:

 

 

 

About finances and how they generally work out if you take control of spending: You Are a Badass at Making Money by Jen Sincero

About relationships and what to accept/expect/let go: What French Women Know by Debra Ollivier

About caring less about what other people think: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

About how to clear my head/raise future children: Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

About social anxiety and how I am definitely not the only one who suffers from it, and also just a pleasant reminder that comics are great: Adulthood is a Myth by Sarah Andersen

About how to be a person: The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters by Emily Esfahani Smith

  • Everyone should read this book. This is my favorite excerpt, talking about a study that asked people to answer the question “Who are you?” after either staring up from the base of a tree or at a nondescript building.

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The world is huge, and awe-inspiring! (Just ask Neil DeGrasse Tyson.) Perspective is important, as is getting out of my head enough to realize my problems are often not as catastrophic as they appear between my ears. In fact, thinking that they are just might inhibit me from behaving well towards others, and letting fear drive me absolutely blocks me from growing or changing, taking any risks at all.

My friend will be fine. She and this move may even be great. She will carry her support network with her and find a community of coworkers and explore a new city. Like me, she has to quiet the peanut gallery of doubts and welcome opportunity. Read before bed instead of scrolling through articles on her phone. It’s not okay.. yet. But who says it won’t be soon?

anxiety, audiobooks, books, meditation, reading

Audiobooks: A Cure for (my) Road Rage

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I’m a Lake Woebegone driver: better than average, and I know it for absolutely certain. Some of you who may have doubts as to how much anger this librarian actually holds in reserve, sitting in my passenger seat as I drive from red light to red light past the strip malls of  Route 1 would give you all the proof you needed that I have given myself an apt name. The fury I dredge up on the road heats itself from only two sources: lack of safety and lack of consideration. Of course, when driving a 2,000 pound vehicle in New Jersey, there are plenty of combinations of them both.

During grad school in particular, my road rage escalated. I was taking a full-time course load, working two on-campus jobs, and driving down Route 1 to a third. Among New Jersey drivers… The anger that I felt (and still feel) when the driver in the car ahead of me goes under the speed limit is the emotional equivalent of nails on a chalkboard, because I am no-passing trapped and likely going to be late. Like, come on man/lady/fellow human, why do you need to make me hate you? I don’t know you! I would like to like you, but I DO know that I need to get where I’m going and I didn’t allot sufficient additional time in my day to do so!

Note: this impatience is doubled during what some states call “extreme weather events,” or what THIS Midwesterner calls “rain” and “snow.” I understand that when it is raining, you do not want to tailgate someone, but it does not mean to drive 10mph slower. Barring a typhoon or broken wiper blades, these conditions occur OFTEN and SHOULD BE familiar to you.

Is this starting to feel like I am a compassionless know-it-all who lacks empathy for my fellow earthlings? Are you saying to yourself, “maybe the person is a new driver! Or maybe they are elderly!” Yes? I actually don’t know that those two exceptions make any difference to my opinion, because I generally think that if you cannot handle driving under safe and considerate conditions, you shouldn’t be on the road.

Well, for the sake of argument, let’s just say that this level judgment and anger, not to mention the muscle clenching, increased blood pressure and faster heart rate that occur simultaneously, just aren’t good for me.

Enter: audiobooks.

I cannot emphasize enough the magical soothing effects of listening to a story or learning about an interesting topic, often read by the person who actually wrote the book. Focusing on the book’s content occupies the portion of my brain responsible for being cranky and annoyed. Listening to books as I drive also makes me feel uber-productive, because I’m making progress in consuming ALL THE BOOKS while doing something repetitive and boring I had to do. #winning #nerdalert

I listen to a lot of audiobooks, and mentioned many favorites in My Best Books of 2017 but let me take this moment to shine a little light on another one I read before last year.

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10% Happier by Dan Harris made me think about meditation for the first time without rolling my eyes. I knew a thing or two about pushing my own limits, and about racing thoughts and often uncontrollable anxiety and anger. Listening to Dan’s newscaster voice was great, and his dedication to sticking with meditation impressed me. It impressed me because at no point during my time with his story did I attempt to meditate at all. I just thought, “huh. Meditation makes him 10% happier; that would be cool” and after I downloaded one app (Stop. Breathe. Think.) that had a meditation to help me fall asleep, I carried on my merry (or fuming) path of least resistance.

Enter 2017, a year I have most frequently seen referred to as a “dumpster fire.” Personal stuff and the news made me unhappy, and when I reached my 30th birthday, I knew I had to change something. There are plenty successful, well-adjusted people out there, some in my circle, who are not overcome by the news. They consume the same information as I do, feel just as strongly about it, but do not immediately spray obscenities into their surroundings, nor spike their blood pressure. I needed to be more measured.

I read another book: The Headspace Guide to Meditation and Mindfulness by Andy Puddicombe.

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This time…. I also didn’t do any of the suggested “practice” meditations as I read. But, I did put language to what I wanted: I want to control my emotions so that they don’t rule me.

It took pushing myself to attend a Kundalini yoga/meditation workshop at a local studio before I actually did meditate. And dang, people. It is not as hard as I thought. I don’t have to clear my mind or check in with every part of my body like I had always thought (and read). I just sit there and breathe (okay, okay, it is slightly more complicated than that). But it IS all in my head, all the roadblocks and the solutions. And the few minutes I set aside give me something to be proud of every day: I took the time to check in, to refocus, to decompress and lower my blood pressure. I took steps toward being one of those calm, cool people who don’t fly off the handle at the sound of 45’s voice.

I won’t start preaching, but I do think that we the (stressed) people need to take care of ourselves, and that meditation can help. It’s January and I’m still on the New Year/New Me train, but from here on out, I don’t want to rant, nor do I want to portray myself as a Pollyanna full of sunshine and rainbows. I just want to be 10% happier and re-gain my “edge.” Nerd/active citizen power!

And, if audiobooks and/or meditation and/or reading books about it still sound too hard, there are always tweets from the Dalai Lama.

Breathe easy, y’all. And leave 10 minutes earlier 🙂

books, reading

Read More in 2018

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Goodreads.com is my magical external brain, and the kind folks there emailed me today to tell me to “Read More in 2018!” If you are unfamiliar, Goodreads is a website that enables you to connect with friends, see what they are reading, and, most important to this librarian: keeps a digital shelf of all yo’ books. I’m talking books you’re reading now, books you have read, books you want to read. (Look into my book brain; view my want-to-read shelf of 300 and understand what it means to be a professional book person.) This is how I keep track of my reading life, which often means adding titles and more titles because there are too many books to read in a lifetime.

I used to read one book at a time. Since being a library school student, I have started to read in a variety of modes (audiobooks and ebooks joined, but did not replace, the physical books) and now I read between 4 – 6 books at a time. This means one audiobook going in the car, one or more for when I’m doing chores around the apartment, and maybe a hardcover to take with me on errands and a paperback by the bedside. Plus or minus an ebook on my (work–shh) computer for when it’s slow.

All this to say, I read too much and I want to read less.

“Nonsense!” you say. “That is sacrilege! That is impossible! Reading is the best, most noble and rewarding activity a human can do! For a librarian to say otherwise is hogwash!”

I disagree.

I read 170 books last year, and that was too many for me. I did in fact set a goal with the Goodreads “Challenge.” My goal was 100. Librarians are surrounded (physically and in our emails/professional networks) by books, usually the newest and the buzziest. Since I was finished with library school and had a job (two, in fact!) and my own schedule, I wanted to challenge myself. And thus the goal was born.

During 2017, which was a rocky, upsetting year for our country in general and me specifically, I turtled. I pulled myself into my shell and I tried to keep out the bad stuff, which was most often any news coverage not presented in comedic form. If any of you are familiar with anxiety and/or depression, and/or feeling powerless over circumstances beyond your control, you recognize this as a counterproductive measure. Instead of going to yoga or on a run outside, I read. Instead of taking calls from or placing calls to my friends and family, I listened to audiobooks in my room. I forgot to do things that bring me joy, because I was sucked in to this habit of reading.

Not only was I strictly consuming books (too fast to allow room for digesting them), I wasn’t doing anything with the information. Occasionally, I would find someone who had read the same thing and talk about a book, or talk with my long-distance book club, but for the most part, I just wanted to move them from the digital “want to read” to the “currently reading” to the “read” shelves.

I became the antisocial kid cool parents worry about when they see their kid reading rather than playing with others. Reading is my comfort zone, and I did not step out of it.

Though not harmful, my reading was not healthy. I used my reading challenge as an excuse to not challenge myself professionally, personally and physically.

This year, my challenge is to read 100 books. No more, no less. A notoriously weak habit-breaker, I am sure in June I will find myself beyond the 50 book mark [LOL book mark, GET IT?], but as long as I’m better balancing my time, more intentional with all activities reading and otherwise, it will have been worth it.

Because I need to do, create, connect, rekindle and re-center (and not feel hokey or indulgent admitting it). Actively engaged rather than passively consuming. I need to talk with people, new and old. I know that reading makes me a better person, but it did not make my life better. It did not heal my anxiety or my relationships.

Only people can do that. Starting with me. Likely outdoors. Definitely out of my bed. There are more books than I could hope to read in a lifetime, so I need to stop trying. Life is waiting. Off the page.

 

audiobooks, books, lists

Best books of my year

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To be honest, I don’t usually write recommendation lists at the end of the year, except for my Aunt Sandy, who sometimes asks me to recommend books around Thanksgiving or Christmas. She is a delightful human and I like being asked for recommendations for books I’ve already read. Much harder is recommending books for people who don’t have my same taste, so… here, in my first attempt at a year-end roundup, I will avoid the challenging task and do the one easiest to me. That’s the privilege of having your own blog and not working at a public-facing desk!

Note: these were not all published this year. As is a running theme in my overall life and specifically my reading life, I often operate on a delay, reading bestsellers from three years ago because I can safely do so away from all the ‘popularity,’ and form my own opinion about a book. [Spoiler alert: I usually love them, so waiting to read them was just a pretentious waste of time when I could have been reading and enjoying it earlier.] I also am on a delay because I mainly get my books from libraries (shocker!) and sometimes wait a little bit longer because there is a queue and I don’t mind waiting for a FREE BOOK. MY POINT BEING: don’t get mad at me that I’m recommending books that aren’t brand new and trending.

Unless you and I don’t agree on politics, if one sounds like you might possibly like it and you only read one book this whole year, I think you’ll be happy that you picked the one you did.

Best of my 2017

Audiobooks (because if you aren’t listening to audiobooks at this point, you should try one):

 

 

  • Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty– turned into an HBO series, but I didn’t watch it. I listened to this too, and Moriarty is Australian so the reader is too! It made me want to drive all the time so I could listen to it. It’s a whodunit, mixed with family dramas and is SO GOOD.
  • Vacationland: True Stories from Painful Beaches by John Hodgman – I never really cared for John Hodgman or thought he was funny, and I have now been proven wrong. I laughed out loud the entire time. Not the part about his mom who died; that part made me cry, but the entire rest of the book was entertaining and self-aware and hilarious. Great essays and insight. Necessary reading if you love the East Coast.
  • Believe Me: A Memoir of Love, Death, and Jazz Chickens by Eddie Izzard – as  you will learn, I love books that make me laugh and are deep in the same breath. Eddie Izzard reading this book was everything I could have wanted. There was a whole separate book in the footnotes that he added on to the book text, so don’t read it– listen to him tell you about his amazing life. I love his standup, and his personality, and ugh five stars.
  • Al Franken, Giant of the Senate by Al Franken – I realize this appears to be a political choice given the controversy around him right now, but it was really good. I apparently like listening to books on politics (see next 2).
  • Our Revolution by Bernie Sanders – I’m listening to this audiobook right now, and it is giving me hope for politics/humanity. It is also making me very sad about how I voted in the 2016 primary.
  • A Fighting Chance by Elizabeth Warren – she writes about her life growing up in the lower-middle-class, as a professor and senator. She writes about her main focus, which has always been regular citizens and protecting them from predatory corporate abuse.
  • Born a Crime by Trevor Noah – I love his voice, and he tells his life story with such factual grace. Is he single? Does anyone know?

 

Reg’lar books – novels:

 

 

  • Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng – won the Goodreads Choice Awards this year for fiction. Novel about a mother and daughter moving to *my hometown!* and the wealthy family they rent their apartment from. My affinity for it is not due to it being set in my hometown.
  • Plan B by Jonathan Tropper – about a group of friends after they graduated college, one who is divorced, one who is famous and an asshole. Set around the year 2000, so a throwback to a pre-cell-phone era.
  • Some Kind of Happiness by Claire LeGrand – children’s book. A young girl whose parents are having marital problems gets sent to grandma and grandpa’s house for the summer, where she meets her cousins and tries to emerge from her imaginary world.
  • The Wednesday Wars by Gary Schmidt – happens to be written for children, but was nevertheless delightful for me as a grownup. It is set during the Vietnam War and the main character is a boy who tends to get into trouble and get caught.
  • The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks by E. Lockhart – a story about some mischievous goings-on at a boarding school. Great female main character.

 

Reg’lar books – essays/memoir:

 

 

  • The Moth Presents: All These Wonders, collection – Speaking of emotional books, this one is great! The Moth is apparently a storytelling group, and this collection is a selection of personal stories that had been performed at one point. Very moving and a huge variety of content.
  • The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy – autobiographical book about some of the best and worst times in Levy’s life, personally and as a journalist.
  • One Day We’ll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter by Scaachi Koul – 95% less dark than it sounds. Personal essays about her life: dating, immigrant family, visiting India. She is a writer for BuzzFeed and she is funny. Laugh-out-loud funny.
  • The Rainbow Comes and Goes by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt – I didn’t know that Anderson Cooper was part of the Vanderbilt family, and this book was lovely. He and his mom discuss the things they never discussed when he was growing up, and it is a touching book where they make sure to talk about things before it’s too late. I bought it for my mom. *This distinction will heretofore be an acronym: SITMM (sent it to my mom).*
  • We Are Never Meeting in Real Life by Samantha Irby – irreverent essays about topics like sexuality, poverty & adulting.
  • The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan – SITMM because she was such a talented, insightful writer. When this book was published, it was huge because she had died 5 days after speaking at graduation as the Valedictorian of her class at Yale. I enjoyed her essays more than her short stories.
  • My Life with Bob: Flawed Heroine Keeps Book of Books, Plot Ensues by Pamela Paul – this woman has had an enviable life (in my eyes!). She lived abroad, she works in Book Reviews at the New York Times… And she is an amazing writer. Book about books & life, just my thing!
  • How To Be a Heroine by Samantha Ellis – speaking of books about books, this one was amazing. Her essays… are so good. Read it.

 

Reg’lar books – learnin’ books (true ‘nonfiction’):

 

 

 

HOLY MOLY. It was so challenging to whittle down this list, even though it still feels massive. I read a LOT this year. 170 books and audiobooks, approximately, up to this date. I separated these into arbitrary categories, but I do think they all have an overarching, general appeal.

Let me know if you’ve read them or choose to! I love having mini-book club with another person who has read what I have. What were the best books you read in 2017? What should I read??

Thanks for reading!